You don’t have to be mum to be passionate about helping children and young people.

Why?

I was brought up by a mum who lost her husband my dad when I was 6 years old. She was a full time teacher and under 40 at the time and mum to me and my older sister. I saw first-hand how dedicated she was as a mum, teacher and friend.

I got married 10 years ago and although I don’t have kids I deeply care about kids and young people today and there are many reasons for this.

I found out this year it’s likely I will be child-free not my choice due to my own health but also because I am now in early menopause after going through treatment for endometriosis which took 15 years to diagnose.

So for me embracing and supporting women who are childfree whether by choice or not is something I am now even more passionate about.

I have shared some of the things I have learnt and why I think we need to stop asking women about their fertility and why we all need to reframe how we think about motherhood and not being a mum.

1. I worked as a schools careers adviser helping young people decide what they wanted for their career.

2. As a young child I was constantly told I wouldn’t achieve much by certain teachers. This always made me more determined to go after my dreams. I have challenged young people to think about what they wanted. So they don’t feel this way too.

3.  Just because I am not a mum doesn’t mean I don’t care about our society and children in  the world. I have looked after family friends kids and neighbours sons and daughters growing up and I care deeply about what happens to them.

4. I have nieces and nephews and cousins all younger then me and I want them to succeed.

5. Growing up without a dad I saw first hand and felt out of place not having him in my life. I don’t want any children who are going through childhood loss right now to feel like they have to just be brave and get on it with it. 

6. Me and my husband give unconditional love to our family, friends and cat . I know that’s not the same as being parent but I honestly think if you love others unconditionally and care whether you are a parent or not you can make a difference.

7. I saw first hand how difficult it was for my mum as a lone parent and widow there are many women and men out there who are doing this every day. I admire this and I honestly think we should all be supporting all types parents as much as possible. This may be a grandparent who is a sole parent or even a uncle or aunt or has to take up this role. Either way the role of a parent can take many forms including an adoptive or foster parent.

8. Living in a matriarchal household with 2 strong women I learned to share my opinions and thoughts on a variety of topics and have a voice that was uniquely mine. I also was brought up to be kind, compassionate and open minded and not judge other people’s life decisions. So this mindset has kept me going and I know a lot of women who are running matriarchal households and their kids are doing amazing things because of their strong mindset too.

9. When I worked with young people in schools I saw a lot of issues come up with them around mental health, forced marriage, neglect, young people in foster care, homelessness, abuse etc. I was their gateway to getting the support they needed from an external source that could help them even more. I also had a job to make sure I protected them. This made me reflect on my own childhood . I lost my dad at 6 years old but I was loved and never had to face such things. Yet I felt happy I could make some kind of difference here.

Stop judging and making assumptions

I may not have any idea what’s like to be pregnant, give birth or even be a mum in the physical sense. Yet I do think we as society need to remember there are many women like me who deeply care about what happens to the next generation. I honestly think you can be maternal without being a mum physically by just being a kind nurturing person who cares for others.

My values of helping others comes from my parents a primary school teacher and my late dad a criminal barrister and later a family solicitor. I wanted to share this with you all because it can be very easy to label others as wife, mother, single mum etc. These labels tell you only one thing about that woman and we as a society need to stop doing this.

I care about all women and mums. I also care about young people and we need to stop judging women who choose to live their lives differently. In some cases some women can’t be a mum whilst some women choose not to be. Either way we need to respect this and not question it.

I remember another women in fact asking me at a spiritual gathering “you still haven’t had a baby yet?” Like something was wrong with me. I never enquire or ask anyone about their fertility yet something that is so uniquely private to a couple is constantly questioned in our wider societies. It’s like asking “how many times a week are you having sex then?”. Ok many it’s not as blatant as that but I had to say to an aunty who asked me once that it was actually kind of rude for her to ask. They hadn’t seen me in about 6 years. Her response on reflection was very kind and sometimes it’s ok to call people out in a polite way and explain why this question is not ok. Not everyone will understand but I think ignoring it isn’t the answer either.

We all care and look after someone

I felt moved to write this because it’s my mission to help as many women as possible who need my help. Whether I become mum or not that’s my business. More than that though we need to stop shaming people who do what’s right for them. Sometimes we don’t have a choice in such matters but sometimes it’s not even about that.

I know a lot of women who have not chosen a life that society deems not typical. They are some of the most caring, loving people I know.

Jennifer Aniston’s quote about this really sums it up for me

 “like [the pressure] that people put on me, on women—that you’ve failed yourself as a female because you haven’t procreated. I don’t think it’s fair. You may not have a child come out of your vagina, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mothering—dogs, friends, friends’ children.”

I absolutely adore this quote because it reflects the amazing women I know who love people unconditionally and nurture others. Also there are so many amazing step adoptive and foster mums who bring up children like their own and it’s very easy to forgot that they do this with so much love too.

I will continue to be passionate about this and I will also call out anyone who judges me for reasons which are private to me and my husband. I was lucky enough to have a kind, kickass, no nonsense mum and lets just say I am definitely her daughter.

 If you are mum or woman who can relate this and and want my support please visit the women in employment page here to apply for a call to work with me here.